


Only you

by Dollydefloral



Category: MGSV - Fandom, Metal Gear
Genre: M/M, MGSV, VKaz, bbkaz - Freeform, bigboss, kazuhiramiller, metalgearsolid, mgs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:27:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24709078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dollydefloral/pseuds/Dollydefloral
Summary: In the warm summer of 1982 a young violinist and his best friend a former military man spend the weekend together at a beach house in Costa Rica. They discover new things that only each other could have ever known. Maybe it was he who helped them find love again.
Relationships: Kazuhira Miller/Venom Snake
Kudos: 4





	1. Settling In

The drive up the long Steep hill where the beach house sat over looking the ocean took only about ten minutes from the port where they first step foot on to the soil ground of Costa Rica. Everything was exactly how it was from their last trip two years ago and after what seem like forever he got to see him again. He looked a lot more different from the last time he'd seen him he had a mechanical prosthetic arm and almost what seemed like a devil's horn on the side of his head but he was still in good spirits after his loses even Kaz had some differences in his life too. Catherine. She wasn't around anymore. She left him when he lost his leg and nearly his sight later marrying a doctor who made good money and owned a large estate up in Kansas where they lived at the time. Kaz was driving as The Book of Love by Fleetwood Mac was blasting through the stereo of the car one of Kaz's favorite band. He was singing along passionately as his thumbs tapped to the beat on the steering wheel of his old Zusuki SJ. His father previously owned it then gave it to him as a graduation present when he graduated high school, he had it ever since and he took it everywhere he went when he traveled it, could explain why he had it here in Costa Rica. John was sitting silently gazing out the window he seemed like he had a lot on his mind but in reality he was always this quiet. Kaz had arrived three hours earlier he had settled into the house when he was set to pick up John around four in the afternoon. The reunion was every bit of casual John wasn't the type of man to get excited over things but he was really pleased to see Kaz again after two years. When he asked about Catherine he froze for while as he stared silently at him through his aviator glasses and told him that she couldn't make it. John new the truth, but he didn't bother to mention it till they got to the house. 

"Why the long damn face Boss?" Kaz asked nonchalantly and parked the car outside of the house. They still sat in their seat and John turned his head to look at him slowly but didn't say a word he just gazed at Kaz who's eyes hid well behind his shades. His expression was a mystery to him sometimes but he didn't bother figuring it out at the moment. "It's been two years sense I've heard you call me that." He spoke softly and he turned his head forward slowly. "It's odd..." he whispered to himself and closed his one good eye. It honestly had triggered him that's what he called him when they were comrades on the battlefield now, just good friends, free men with old battle scars. 

"I'm sorry..." Kaz said Sympathetically. John only turned his head once more to look at him and nodded slowly. "You sent me a letter." John pulled out his cigar and began lighting it up. "Yeah, I did that was about a year ago." 

"It was the last letter I received from you, you also sent me a picture of your wedding in the letter." He said collectively. "You married Catherine, even so I made sure to warn you about her but you married her anyways, you always knew she wanted separate things I didn't even need to tell you that, but you felt sorry for yourself." John breathed the smoke from his lips slowly and he looked up at the blue sky. John would be considered to be an asshole kind of guy but in all honesty he was just straight forward. "I don't blame her." Kaz said almost in a whisper. "I wouldn't have wanted her to take care of a sorry ass crippled." John was still looking up at the sky as he blew the smoke out of his mouth and sighed. "Their's such a thing as morals in this world that maybe a man like me or a woman like her wouldn't get but she signed up for marriage knowing this so I wouldn't even call that an excuse." He sighs again as he continued smoking his cigar and speaking again. "I could tell you're miserable walking around with that ring still on your finger." Kaz stared silently towards the ocean hearing the waves crash against the large rocks that sat in them. "She's still my wife- "You two are divorced Kaz get it through your head, she's not coming back and she doesn't deserve you." Kaz didn't know what to say it was true they were already divorced but he hanged on to the reality that maybe she didn't sign those papers yet, that maybe she forgot about them a little while longer. 

"I didn't think I would have to move on with my pathetic life so soon." 

"Your life isn't pathetic Kazuhira think of our comrades, all the dead men on the battlefield who'd rather live your pathetic life than be dead, buried deep six feet under." 

John wasn't upset when he spoke he just wanted to help him move on so they both could. Kaz apologized as he continued to look at the ocean it was a beautiful day the weather was nice and warm and the sun was out he thought about the things he wanted to do when he was still traveling here but he couldn't think of anything and as he sat to distract himself he still couldn't think of anything now. John got out of the vehicle and went around the back to get his duffel bag from the trunk he was still puffing on his cigar and he stared at Kaz who was lost in thought. "Kaz, come on let's go inside." Kaz nodded slowly as he got out of the car along with his forearm crutch he depend on to walk and started heading over towards the small stairs. Kaz didn't like anyone helping him even if it was necessary the early years were harder on him but now he could manage on his own and out of respect for him John never intervened. 

Once they were in the house Kaz sat down on the sofa slowly and gave a long sigh the house was beautifully decorated with a lot of sea shells, whales, anchors, sandollars, fishes, and mermaids it could be seen displayed everywhere all over the nautical home as statues and trinquetes and the color was white and any type of blue you could think of it wasn't luxurious but it was nice and homey and quite welcoming and every year the color scheme would change never the theme. This place was almost like a second home to them whenever they could they always came here for vacation their was no other place in the world they'd rather vacation at except in Costa Rica in this very house and over the years Kaz brought his many girlfriends he'd dated and usually John would travel alone. 

"How are the kids?" 

"They are fine those little assholes grow everyday and they fight a lot too it seems that every second they almost tend to kill each other I don't mind it much though if I let them sort out their problems on their own even if it's a fight to the death they learn much quicker especially when theirs consequences to things." John smiles softly as he put out his cigar. He was handsome, tall, and athletically build he didn't smile often but when he did it was noticeable and quite charming his piercing blue eye were cold but danced wildly like the sea and his long brunette hair was kept knit tight in a ponytail at the back of his head his beard trimmed neatly he was definitely something you would consider to call a very good looking man although he never really liked to acknowledge it himself. 

"I miss those damn kids they're my perfect little soldiers but who knows Cinthia might be a great one too." Kaz smiled as he thought about his daughter she was only three years old and she looked soo much like Kaz.

"You can have them they stress me out, now that I'm retired being a full time father all the time is probably the worst thing I've ever sighed up for besides almost dying a couple times." He chuckled and he hardly ever does that means he was in really good spirits indeed. "She's growing way too fast, same as my boys if we don't watch them closely they'd be adults by the time we pay attention to them, it'll be too late then."

Kaz smiled at him and he slowly removed his shades setting them on the small coffee table In front of him. He rubbed his tired eyes sighing again he was tired after his long travels and he looked like he needed rest. "Kaz, you're sleepy?" He nodded honestly he was very stubborn but today he didn't put up much of a fight. John later helped him lay down on the sofa and he looked up at him with those dead eyes those. They no longer were the blue that John remembered, they were just two ghostly eyes almost white but pail blue, he lost the pigment. Kaz fought many battles along with John and they both got out while he still could even so they made it out in pieces. Kaz looked at him like he was in search of something and when he couldn't find it his eyelids only closed and for a short moment he was already asleep. He looked like a dead man to John and honestly he was plenty of times but he'd mistaken that with how peaceful he looks when he slept.

When Kaz woke up again he woke up with the glow of the moonlight shinning over him it was night time now and he could hear the waves crashing against the large rocks and the smell of the ocean as he breathed in through his nostrils he could feel his bare chest was exposed and his hair was cold wet from the sweat he sat up slowly rubbing his eyes tiredly looking over into the dark space as he began to see more clearly. He realized he was no longer downstairs on the sofa in the living room but in john's bedroom. 

"W-what the hell am I doing here?" He whispered to himself into the dark room. The only light their was in that room was the moonlight's elumination which shone over Kaz so beautifully. "Kaz..." A familiar voice called out to him in the darkness of the room and without even seeing who it was, he knew. "Snake..." Kaz replies back softly his eyes were wide open even so he couldn't see him. "Quit hiding in the shadows your gonna strain my eyes you know my vision is poor." John chuckled softly but he still didn't bother to come into the moonlight he was smoking his cigar as usual in the corner of the bedroom in a chair his eyes gazed at Kaz lightly while he smoked. John watched him in the moonlight while Kaz searched for him in the darkness he was breathing heavily now as John admired all his imperfections even his ghastly eyes to his long shabby blonde hair and his unshaven face Kaz was always a well kept guy but it seemed that he let himself go along time ago maybe even before Catherine left him but it wasn't as bad as it was when he lost his leg and nearly his eye sight. "Don't worry Kaz you were having sleeping problems again I had to take care of you." Kaz nodded and relaxed back into the bed. "I see... that's why I could still hear the bombs and feel the pain and the sadness of our comrades while they die in battle I could see it clearly while they draw their last breathes...Snake." Snake was John's code name although Kaz couldn't understand why it got changed to Venom Snake, or Punished Venom Snake he still called him Snake anyways he had many names it depends on who called it but Kaz always knew him as Snake, or Boss and as they got closer and became good friends it became John. "I trust you..." Kaz said lightly as he shift his head towards the window. John only hummed to himself continuing to smoke his cigar it was silent for a long time and John thought that Kaz had fallen asleep again until he heard him speak. "Boss..." his voice rang out weakly and John looked over where the moonlight shone. He was still looking out the window and it seemed like he had something on his mind he seemed troubled but relaxed at the same time.

"Come here, to the light I have something to say..." He whispered finally closing his eyes again. John took one last smoke putting out the cigar and making his way towards the bed he stood there quietly looking over Kaz and then sat down on the edge of the bed. "Boss let me look at you." He said quietly. John turned over slowly as he was greeted with those ghostly eyes he surely looked different without his shades and without those blue eyes he had owned. Kaz gazed at him silently he didn't look the same anymore none of them did the heart of the wars and many battles they've lost and won was the cause of it all and they were proud, they were proud of the scars they wore, the lost leg, the lost arms, and those eyes that used to be blue that still screamed America. "A year a go you were fine, look at now, look how much you've lost, we've lost..." John nodded silently agreeing with him. This man looked like the Boss yet he acted like he wasn't or maybe being a military man changed him so much. The Boss only spoke when he was spoken to or when he did, he did the talking when he felt like it or had a command but he's not speaking, he's never been this damn quiet. "I'm fine..." He managed to say looking into Kaz's eyes. He was always fine. Kaz smiled and nodded slowly he always said that too. "I really thought I would never see you again... you always worked hard for everything you wanted It never even occurred to me that you would retire now." John looked at him closely and then shifted his eyes down at his cold metal arm their were things he still wanted to do in life but sometimes he felt that it was someone else's dream he wanted and not his own. "I'm just postponing think of it as a Vacation I'll be wanted on the battlefield some day again and when the time comes I'll be there." Kaz nodded silently as he looked at him with soft eyes he admired him soo much their isn't anyone he looked up to more besides the Boss himself for times like these he was glad that they were still friends, just to have someone like him, someone you trust and to keep you company when your alone and tormented was enough for Kaz, John was enough for him. John laid next to him closely while he closed his eyes his large arms crossed against his broad chest. Kaz didn't think much of it he wasn't paying too much attention to him anyways he was too busy staring out the window. 

"How are your parents?" 

"They are well I seen them about a month ago I wanted to see them before I came here they asked me about Catherine plenty of times but she's been long gone since."

"And of course you lied, like you lied to me." Snake smiled with his eyes still closed.

"Yeah I did, I hate lying to them they are such good people especially my mom she wants to go back to Japan to visit so I was planning on taking her along with my father and Cinthia when I go back home."

John opened his eyes slowly to look at him but Kaz still had his eyes out the window. "How long will you be staying there?"

"For about another year my dad and mom has a house out there too I decided to stay there with them helping with the shop and stuff it will help to keep me busy just to help me forget about the divorce, it would be like old times when I was a child." John eyes widen for a bit but then he fixed his expression before Kaz could see it. He hummed he didn't want him to leave they only had the weekend together and by Monday that means he would not see him again until another year. "Kaz... do you really have to go this is the first time I've seen you in two years we only have three days and then I have to wait another year to see you again." Kaz chuckled softly and he turned to look at John who looked serious. "Since when you really cared about seeing me Boss?" John stared at him and he thought about how to answer correctly so that he wouldn't confuse him. "I always have I fought these battles alone and I missed you fighting them along side me but after the incident I couldn't have you at my side anymore you nearly died." Kaz looked away slowly. 

"That was up to me to decide but at that point you've already decided for me I was probably useless to you after that, that's why you wouldn't allow me to come back." 

"Kaz, that's not true it was going to take you a year to be dismissed from the hospital you were severely injured and I wanted you to recover quickly for you to come back but then I thought about it... I just needed one more year that's it... and then I was going to leave that place and come to you..."

"Come to me, For what? Your telling me you retired because you wanted to see me, that doesn't make any sense Boss.Why would you do that what about the dream you had, What about that?"

"That's the thing... I feel like I don't want to dream anymore... I just want to raise my brats and be by you again..." Kaz was speechless he didn't know what The Boss was saying but it sounded pretty deep. 

"What are you saying?" John looked at him with one eye the other covered with his eyepatch. "I want to be comrades again..." John leaned closer to him as he gazed at Kaz's lips. Kaz stared back not knowing what to say due to him being so close to him he tripped over his words as he tried to respond but Snake was only getting closer and he wasn't stoping either. Kaz felt the warmth of his hand against his side the rough of his lips kissing him deeply. The kiss was demanding yet passionate at the same time as Kaz felt lost. He didn't know how to stop it, but did he, did he really wanted it to stop? John moved to his neck slowly and Kaz allowed him as he closed his eyes and began to relax he couldn't think at all he couldn't even process it but his body was beginning to like how John was making him feel he could feel his teeth against his neck and the way he sucked the space there, his hand on his waist caressing it. Kaz felt a moan escape his lips when he felt Snake's hand between his legs rubbing slowly none of this felt right but it didn't feel wrong either but it felt familiar and he didn't know why. "S-Snake..." He whispered but John only ignored him as he kissed down against his chest sucking on his nipples as the other man began to moan. Kaz's breath was drawling unsteadily and he began to get hard through his blue jeans while Snake unbutton them with his quick fingers unzipping them. Kaz felt his heart beating through his chest this was happening too quickly and his head was spinning so fast he didn't know how to stop and handle it but his body was loosing control over John's touch and his kisses, his body was aching for more. John was touching him like he was familiar with him he cut right to it like he'd studied him before everything he did felt incredibly good and this is where he had the feeling that this has happened before, many times before but he couldn't remember any of it, he just couldn't put his finger on it. John started to remove Kaz's pants slowly sliding them from his leg he was blushing heavily and he was hiding his eyes from John behind his arm, he was perfect and Snake was hungry for him and only him for two years straight. He waited and waited till he could feel him under his body once more. "Kaz..." He said kissing his hip bone. Kaz shuddered as he bit his lip softly. "S-Snake w-what are you d-doing to me s-stop this your trying to be-little me with humiliation aren't you?" Snake only shook his head slowly trying to look into his eyes. "I'm not Kaz, I wouldn't have went that far if I did." He said as he lowered his white briefs with his teeth slowly exposing the throbbing mess of flesh. Kaz flushed like he was drunk trying to close his leg but John only held it open forcefully. Kaz could tell that John wasn't joking at all and he was dominating over him completely he felt embarrassed and helpless as he sat there with his thighs pried open and his cock aching and leaking uncontrollably. "John..." Kaz called out with his eyes still covered he didn't know what to do but he felt John's lips kissing inside his thighs and it gave him an idea as he braced himself. "Don't cover your face Kaz I want to see you, all of you." Kaz still covered his face regardless it was just too much to handle he licked his dry lips as he mumbled under his hand. "Boss please... I can't... why are you doing this to me?" John looked up at him slowly and took Kaz's hand away from his face their eyes met intensely as they immediately locked. His heart was beating fast when he looked into John's eye it was demanding and masculine, such an intimidating eye. "Don't you remember, don't you remember how I touched you Kaz with both of my hands against your body? In this very bed how I kissed you, how we made love all night till the sun came up?" Kaz stared at him lightly in the moonlight it seemed like he always lingered in the shadows but he could still see him clearly as he shivered hearing him say what he said he couldn't believe any of it. He watched him get closer as Kaz observed the scar on his bottom lip, and on his face vertically along his good eye, the stitch that peeked out from his eyepatch, and the new one that rested on the side of his head where the horn sat and lastly the stitch above his left brow. Kaz pulled him closer as he fell back against the pillow their lips met once more as John began kissing him slowly rubbing the blonde of Kaz's shabby sweating hair. Kaz was moaning into the long passionate kiss right under John and for the first time in two years aware of it or not he felt protected, safe, and loved. They fell asleep in each other arms as John felt the warmth of Kaz's naked body against his once more it felt surreal after soo long, he had missed this and he never wanted to let him go again, never...


	2. Moon Kissed

Kaz woke up to the smell of fresh salt water, faint tabaco, sweat, and sex. The sounds of waves crashing against waves and the familiar warmth of a body near him, Snake's, who held him in an embrace through the whole night. When John finally woke up he watched Kaz as he gazed out the window again, against his chest he ran his fingers through his hair slowly as Kaz silently listened to the soft beating of John's heart all the while wondering why he was doing it in the first place. Why he was here In his arms and why it felt so right. Was this even a friendship? The memories of last night's event started to resurface in his mind and he felt embarrassed, confused, and utterly lost in the situation but he didn't want to confront the Boss about it just yet, he didn't really mind it all that much in actuality he was just very curious as to what kind of relationship they actually had, what they shared and why he couldn't remember it. "Kaz..." Snake began rubbing his cheek affectionately feeling the stubble of Kaz's unshaven face against the rough of Snake's fingers. Kaz slowly turned his white eyes towards John's from the window and gazed at each other silently with soft eyes. "Yeah..." Kaz whispered feeling a little unfamiliar with all of this. "I love you." John didn't smile but he did look as if he meant it. Kaz only continued to look at him cluelessly and as he didn't get any other reaction from John he sat up slowly with his back turned to him sighing. John couldn't help but gaze at his back with his eye the narrow creases and scars all the way down to his waist. "Beautiful..." He whispered carefully as it left a sweet taste on his tongue when the word left his lips. "Kaz..." John called for him once more but this time John moved closer to him. He pressed his face in the crook of Kaz's neck kissing lightly in the space there. Kaz closed his eyes unable to escape the feeling that John soo much provided as he leaned his head back to the side slowly allowing him more access. John slowly continued to kiss him feeling the tickle of beard of the man's beard against his soft skin. Kaz must admit to himself that this was quite knew to him and he not saying a word about it made the situation more weirder he'd never seen the Boss soo affectionate and romantic especially towards men and he didn't know if he even had any other lovers but he wasn't judging either. 

"Kazuhira..." John whispered very slowly as he moved from his neck to his lips. Las tasted the wet of his tongue and the sweet tabaco that intoxicated his tastebuds. The kiss went on for a nice minute and Kaz slowly pulled away still pressing the side of his nose close to John's looking straight into his eye breathing heavily from the steamy kiss. "Why do you love me?" John looked at him curiously as he pressed his chest against his back. He didn't know how to answer, he thought Kaz knew already. Was it a cruel joke on him that Kaz would asked such a question like that? or did he maybe lost interest in him along time go since he married Catherine. Did he forget?...

"Did you forget?"

"Did we have something?

"We did... you can't remember?"

"Not a thing... you asked me if I remembered when you kissed me last night and I honestly didn't, I thought this was just a weird dream I was having."

"And you went a long with it? You pulled me close to kiss you when you don't remember anything, or maybe you grew tired of me and you don't want to tell me?"

John looked disappointed and beyond anything sadden, sadden that his beloved was gone and freed of all memories and experiences they've gone through together. "John, I really don't remember anything you know I would never lie to you... I'm sorry I went along with it, I didn't think any of this was real, I didn't know how to handle it everything was moving so fast... and i was beginning to like it, I think I'm just confused...." The only thing that was going through John's mind was fear and panic but of course his face would never show it Kaz couldn't see It anyways John was still behind him as he rested his head against his shoulder placing his hand on Katz's bicep. He wasn't upset at Kaz nor he thought he was a liar or at fault he just couldn't handle the fact that he might be loosing the only man he's ever loved. Within moments John softly kissed his shoulder, got up, dressed himself and left the room quietly without saying a word. Kaz's eyes followed him as he left the bedroom. It felt empty and quiet, just lonely without his strong presence. And with that he laid back against John's bed looking out the window again as he inhaled his scent on his bed sheets drifting off to asleep.

It was 1:56 PM in the afternoon when Kaz woke up. He haven't yet spoken nor seen each other John he wondered where he was and what he was doing he didn't bother looking for him in fear that he was still upset from the incident this morning so he gave him space. He went along his day; showered, cooked, and ate quietly on his own not how he wanted to spend his vacation with the boss it seemed it just had to. They never fell out before Kaz recalls, so this was very unusual for him even the relationship John said they had that he couldn't even remember. he continued to eat and shrugged it off he thought maybe he and John could talk about it once he returned from where ever he was but he didn't get back anytime soon. Kaz was sitting inside the house In front of the balcony on the second floor he had a good view of the ocean as the waves danced roughly it was night time now he could see the moonlight shine bright like it did every night here in Costa Rica. He was playing the violin passionately like the way John kissed, so passionately. He felt the music fill his soul as he imagined John touch his body kissing his neck his skilled fingers playing the lovely melody as the bow moved swiftly against the violin beautifully. The sweet tunes soothed Kaz's soul as he felt John near him his eyes were closed but he felt him as he finished the piece. He opened his eyes to see that the sun had completely gone away just the moonlight swaying across the water creating a luminous bridge. He continued to gaze at it as his long lashes flicked softly into the night.

He was laying in his own bedroom now the moonlight spread against his naked body. Somehow the moon always found Kaz it kissed him lovingly and it loved him just as much as Snake did. Kaz found himself embracing the moonlight as he rub his fingers against his body watching the reflection of the blinds move against his fingers. He suddenly heard the bedroom's door next door creaked open it was John, finally arriving back. Kaz's eyes shifted to the night stand where the digital clock sat 9:56 PM. He wondered where he's been this whole time and why did he care he was a man that could do whatever he wanted when he wanted it was none of business, he didn't even consider asking him but It didn't stop him from wondering either. He started to become quite sleepy and after a while he woke up to the sound of someone coming into his bedroom. Kaz is a light sleeper so he immediately was aware that someone was in his presence he didn't worry to much about it though because he knew it was only Snake. He didn't know what was the purpose of him coming here but he continued to sleep anyways. He felt the heat of his hand touching his body, warmth against cold skin. The curtains did nothing but danced as the cool warm air blew through the windows and into the room. The sounds of palm trees singing along with the wind filled their ears while the waves continued crashing. A very strong masculine tone rung into the night. "Beautiful..." He said. How could Kaz not shiver when he felt him near his neck leaving light kisses as he caressed his nude body while he slept. John was biting and sucking near Kaz's nape while he rubbed his entrance softly with his saliva against it. Kaz legs were somewhat closed but that didn't stop The Boss from toying with him he was still trying to sleep but he was well aware of what was going on. He pushed a finger in slowly as Kaz shivered opening his mouth slightly releasing a sweet moan when he finally opened his eyes it met his, Snake's. "B-Boss..." Kaz managed to say through his slimly word. Snake pulled his finger out slowly licking the slick that Kaz left on his finger. Kaz did nothing but flush heavily like a woman on her first time as he watched John enjoy what was left of him on his finger. Snake smiled at him softly and pulls him into a soft kiss. Their was nothing but elation deep within Kaz as he wraps his arms around his neck slowly kissing him deeply. He felt so much love & passion he didn't know what was happening but things were beginning to change and Kaz was aware of it.

He woke up to the love marks that was visible all over his body the way it stung with pleasure and the way his lips swell from the constant kissing and biting of his lips. Kaz smiled to himself as he ran his fingers through his long hair Reminiscing on last nights events. He sat up slowly to find that Snake was long gone and the only thing he had felt behind was a note that read how much he loved him.


	3. Yours truly, Jack

_Kazuhira McDonell Benedict Miller_

_I write to you this extremely formal note to tell you that the answers you seek will be answered but theirs some things that I've wanted to say since you've left my side, how much I love you. Meet me downstairs in the kitchen that's where I'll be._

_Yours truly_

_Jack_

Kaz held the paper in his hand. He wrote in a white line-less paper and he had a natural neat handwriting. It smelled like him, the paper... Kaz couldn't stop pressing it against his nose as he inhaled. The room lingered of him even Kaz's bedsheets. He slowly sat up on his bed and set the note back on the nightstand where he first found it heading towards the bathroom with the usage of his handy forearm crutch. When Kaz glanced at the mirror he didn't even recognize himself his face was In need of a shave and his hair was too long as it curled behind his small ears and down the back of his nape. He looked in the mirror as his haunting white eyes stared back at him, he sometimes couldn't even look in the mirror for too long or he'll start to get scared. He washed his face and brushed his teeth beginning to shave. He observed his face carefully and when he finished he moved on to his hair trimming it so that it wouldn't look shabby. His hair was originally down to his upper back a year ago but he cut it shorter once he learned to do everything on his own again. He was satisfied with himself honestly and thought he looked a lot more better and decent than he did over the last two years. He hurried off and showered then got dressed in just a regular white T-shirt that had a Burger King ad in the back of it since the 70's. He found it at a goodwill store for a dollar it later faded throughout the years but he like it that way, it was his favorite shirt. He went back in the bedroom sliding on his briefs along with his grey cotton shorts while sitting down on the bed then his prosthetic arm, which he only wore when he needed to. He headed down the stairs slowly and walked towards the kitchen where Snake said he would be, there he was when he turned the corner, making breakfast like they were married.

"Mornin." Snake couldn't help but smile when he heard the sound of his voice he was quiet as a mouse. He turned around and greeted him back. "Good morning." He said trying to sound enthusiastic. Kaz stood by the entrance and leaned against the pillar as he smiled softly at him, clutch in the other hand.

"Thank you for the note."

"It's nothing to thank me for Kaz, it was just informative."

"Well, thank you anyway." Snake nodded as he went back to making eggs and bacon. After a while of silence, Kaz decided to took the fork from Snake as he began to cook himself. "I like my eggs a specific way plus we both know you can't cook." Snake chuckled and wrapped his arms around Kaz slowly watching him closely. This was true back in mother base before the incident Kaz would cook all the time he was honestly a great cook enough to make any man's housewife. "Yeah you're right, you were the cook, not me." Kaz turned his face slowly to look at him he looked absent-minded like he was remembering something but Kaz didn't think much of it he went back to cooking. The feeling of his lips pressing against his neck and his hands snaking under his shirt made Kaz shiver, what is it about this man that Kaz couldn't resist, was it him or was it the way he made him feel?

"Where were you the whole day yesterday?" Kaz asked soon regretting it after he told himself he wouldn't ask that question last night, his curiosity got the best of him. He got a plate for himself from the cabinet then got the fork as he slid the bacon and eggs into the plate, hoping on top of the countertop as he sat. "I went to the beach and pretty much stayed there the whole day." Kaz nodded as he began to eat.

"I'm sorry I left, I was thinking the whole time..."

"About what?"

"About why you don't remember anything; do you remember the first time we were together?"

"I don't..."

"You and Catherine were engaged for a very long time and for a while you weren't happy with her you've told me of the time she would mistreated you, the times she told you that she didn't love you anymore, how you hated how she made you feel, so as we got close you and I across seas we shared something she could understand. We stole kisses when no one was watching, we snuck in each other's quarters those late nights because we couldn't stand being apart from each other it made us understand clearly that we could never go out and share our affections In front of anyone like that, not I'm front of her, not In front Ocelot, and not In front of our comrades. There were times where I'd be out in the battlefield for days, weeks, sometimes even months that I didn't get to see you and when I finally came home to mother base you were there waiting for me at LZ smelling horrible, but you was always there waiting for me..."

Snake slowly got closer to Kaz resting his hands between him on the countertop as he leaned forward towards him at a distant where he could feel comfortable. When he looked up Kaz had his attention to him the whole time so he began to speak once more. "The accident." He said seriously with sad eyes. "Paz and Chico, Pequod The medic & I were returning home from rescuing those kids but as we arrived to Mother Base it was was under attack; to keep it short no one survived... I saw you were covering ground with a group of our remaining soldiers before they died they all died I remember that their were too many to even kill, so many of us we lost that day one got shot right in front of me as he fell into my arms. A solider and I carried you to safety inside the chopper. I was going to keep fighting but that's when you reached your arm out to me, you called me by my code name and I turned around as I grab your hand." John wiped Kaz's tears away as he muffled in cries continuing the devastating story. "You pulled me back in as we flew up; we could see everything, we could see the buildings and facilities collapsing as it pulled into the ocean along with enemies. You were upset mostly at Paz, you actually woke her out of unconsciousness when you shook her out of pure anger, she looked scared as she realized that there was another bomb in her, I saw her open the chooper's door and said there was bomb in her, visibly there was a chopper right behind her and as she jumped off I tried to reach for her." It was getting really hard for John to even finished but he pushed through it. "The bomb went off, it send me flying back as I heard my ears ringing and our chopper spiraling down from the sky. It caught fire and before I know it the other chopper came straight at us... later on I remember being conscious to know that we're at a hospital and as I turned to you the pressure of people operating on us had filled my surroundings you were telling me not to die on you, I could see mother base sinking and our comrades dying and us failing, losing everything we worked hard for. I could hear, clear... no response coming from me, and hit him again from the people operating on me. I suffered from a coma and didn't wake up any time soon." Kaz was staring at him and he looked sad and scared and he only said one thing to him as he gazed into his eye. "I remember..." John looked at Kaz more closely it seemed that the only thing that Kaz could remember was all the events before and after except the ones that they intimately shared it's like it never even happened. How could the accident only erased the memories of them together but not everything else? Kaz ser his plate down as he began to break down in front of Snake.

"I'm trying to remember but I can't... I just can't... I don't remember anything that happened between us Boss..." Kaz's tears were rolling out of his eyes he could tell that he was really trying and he really wanted to remember but he couldn't and all those precious memories that he wanted him to remember were gone the only thing left that was living proof of their love was Snake. John slowly wiped his tears away again and kissed Kaz softly on his cheek following to his lips. They shared a deep kiss to the point Kaz couldn't even breathe and when they pulled away Snake stole another passionate kiss. He wanted to keep his mind from what he just told him he wanted to make him feel better and start anew. Kaz slowly touched Snakes face and pulled him away slowly. "You're gonna kill me if you keep doing that." He breathes softly. Snake gave a little smile but it quickly faded away. "I'm sorry, I can't help myself when I'm around you it's always been that way even on mother base it started innocently with just looking at each other whenever we could and then it lead to me touching you, even looks can make you do things that you can't help." Kaz's face warmed up and he nodded slowly as he looked towards the window it was a beautiful day as it was everyday in Costa Rica. Kaz wanted to go out on the beach ever since he arrived he was honestly pretty pail from lack of sun. "Hey Boss lets go down to the beach... it's our last day today and I want to make sure I remember it." It sounded bittersweet to Snake but he wanted to make it his mission to make sure that Kaz remembered him, everything he did and will do, and everything they'll do together. Snake nodded slowly and kissed him again as Kaz wrapped his legs around Snake's waist and his arms around his strong broad shoulders.

The breeze was nice and cool as it blew through Kaz's long hair they walked side by side down the hill, Kaz wearing his sandal as he walked with his crutch while Snake was barefooted. They didn't hold hands although Snake wanted to but he though it'll be a good idea to not rush into things he wanted Kaz to feel comfortable so he could get used to everything that's happening between them all over again. "You look good today did I tell you that?" Kaz smiled as he touched the long grass that grew between the pathway. "No, you didn't but thank you." Snake nodded slowly. "I mean, you are in good spirits and I could tell you no longer look tormented." Kaz looked at him slowly and looked back towards the green of the grass. "I'm always tormented the events that happened on Mother Base still torments me, still haunts me, still traumatizes me I failed our comrades as their commander, I led them all to honorable deaths and even now with Catherine, that will forever be the torment I have to carry and bare, the least I could do is make life a little better but trust me it never goes away, but I can admit ever since you came back into my life Boss, during the past three days you've made me forget the torment just a little, when I'm with you I feel free, I feel loved, I feel new, and happy, excited even... I feel love." Snake felt his heart move just listening to Kaz he never speaks like this unless he truly meant it maybe the trauma he'd endured sparked something within him but he could see that he really meant it as he turned his face towards his. Kaz smiled at him softly and turned on his heel as he ran down the hill but he only imagined it he wanted to dance on the sand and feel both feet beneath it, he only had one leg, one arm and nearly his eye sighs. He saw himself dancing on the beach, that's all he could do just imagine how it'll be like to dance again, to walk with both feet. Kaz didn't realize his tears were rolling down his cheek but he quickly wiped it away and kept on walking with his crutch. He thought he excepted it long ago, that this is how it was gonna be from now on but maybe he didn't, maybe it was because Snake wanted to be with him again he didn't want to be a burden to him that's how Catherine felt during their years of marriage she never had any patience for him or any interest she left everything to the nurse while she went out in nice gowns and expensive jewelry he didn't even feel like a man anymore just charity work and he didn't want to feel that way with anyone ever again not even with Snake or anyone else and after Catherine served him divorce papers he just about decided that he wanted to be alone for the rest of his life, swore it to himself. Snake noticed that he was crying but he didn't want to intervene with whatever was troubling him so he walked behind him at a distance. John honestly felt broken at the fact that Kaz was no longer the man he used to be or at least that's how Kaz felt about it but to John Kaz will always be the man he's always been nothing has changed to him and he loves him even more then he's ever had before.

After Snake caught up to him they sat on the beach in front of the ocean it was nice and Kaz enjoyed the sound of the palm trees dancing in the air just the sound of it all was music to his ears. "Costa Rica is such a beautiful place." Snake nodded in agreement. "We used to come here every time on vacation as friends." Kaz nodded slowly.

"I remember that..." Kaz smiled.

"Probably not the last time we went."

"You're right, I don't remember that one."

"That's because it was the first time we went on vacation as more than just friends, I was kissing you the whole boat ride here." Kaz smiled softly at him as he thought of how he could remember everything else besides him and Snake being together, it was odd. All he could remember was the purest friendship he thought they shared and that's it. "Don't worry, new memories are being made." Kaz turned his head towards him and smiled again as he slowly leaned his head against Snake's shoulder they stayed like that till sundown watching the sunset together as John finally decided to hold his hand it felt cold and human and he was determined to warm it up. Kaz felt the warmth of his hand on his. They both lost an arm but the fact that they could still feel each other's warmth, and bodies was amazing to them. "I don't want you to go I just got you back..." He whispered against his lips softly as he gazed into his eyes the night was beginning to fall quickly and before they knew it the moonlight shone over them.

"I don't want to anymore either..."

"Then stay, stay with me..."

"I can't Boss... whatever we had before... I don't remember it and it's hard to even start over knowing we had a different history I thought we were just good friends this is a lot to take in you're confusing me..."

"Kaz, I know it's too much... and I'm sorry I came to you like this... but I've waited soo long just to see you again I left everything behind for you this is what I want, it's you, let's start over again and you'll see you won't feel soo empty anymore I was what completed you before and I can be that again." Something in his voice sounded persuasive it also saddened him, Kaz slowly leaned in to kiss him it was the only thing that was running through his mind just kiss his lips, kiss him. Snake pulled him closer as Kaz moved himself on his lap touching his face his knee dug into the sand as Snake rested his hand on his ass squeezing all types of ways that made Kaz moan into the kiss it was incredible how the sand was still warm. Snake leaned back against the sand slowly not parting his lips from Kaz's while they continued to share sweet kisses. The touching and feeling that they both experienced many of times in a span of three days were no longer sufficient enough anymore they desired something much more than this, soo much more. Kaz slowly parted his lips from snake only to remove his shirt slowly and rushed back to kiss him. Snake slowly rubbed his hand on the small of Kaz's back encouraging him to continue his hand gently snaking down to Kaz's shorts he tugged them while Kaz moved to Snake's neck kissing softly there it completely caught him by surprise and it made him want him more his fingers worked quickly loosening his shorts enough to lower them all the way down to his knee along with his briefs. Kaz was aroused and Snake could see the flush of his face as he slowly lifted his knee to remove the rest of his clothing. Snake couldn't keep his eyes off of him under the moonlight as he gazed at him with his loving eye rubbing his hips and up to his chest to the soft of his pink lips that swell from loving too hard. Kaz was looking down at him with a smile licking the flesh of his finger against the soft of his tongue it sends chills down John's spine as he focused his eye on him carefully. His hair blowing beautifully in the cool air. He was beautiful and Snake was crazy about him.

"What now?" Kaz whispered gently as he helped snake out of his shirt and then what was left of him he touched his torso gently with his fingertips and traces the "S" like scar that used to be there all the way to his chest as he kissed him softly on the lips once more. It was a true kiss a kiss that was sweet and meaningful. Kaz was holding Snake's shoulder as he continued feeling his beard tickling the soft of his shaven face. Kaz was beginning to feel a love for Snake that no longer reflects on the one he thought they shared before it was a way deeper love which involved romance it was the kind of love in which you desired someone and that was the kind of love they shared before and now. Snake ran his hands under Kaz and carried him in his arms like a bride as he rose from the sand. Kaz looked up at him softly he wasn't surprised he used to do it before when Snake had to rush him to safety or a medic it felt like old times, just much different. It brought a lot of memories of how long they've known each other and now it seems that they'll know each other a lot more longer. Snake was smiling down at him as he began walking towards the ocean the moon shone above their nude bodies as Kaz could fell the water touching his feet. Snake walked deeper into the ocean the water stopping above his waist as he slowly moved Kaz in front of him still carrying him in his arms. Kaz looked at him with his ghostly eyes as he wrapped his arms around his neck following by his leg around his waist.

"You don't weigh as much as you used to." "After the accident, I lost a lot of weight and soon after I fell into depression when I found out I pretty much ended Handicap and that Catherine was leaving me and serving me divorce she even threatened to take Cinthia from me because at the time I wasn't able to take care of her. For a whole year, I had to rely on my nurses... I wasn't the same man after that, not the man that Catherine no longer wanted, and not the father that Cinthia remembered. I refused to see her because I was ashamed of myself I didn't want her to see me like that in such a pitiful state. Took me a while to get out of that room on my own and when I did I went straight to her and I hugged her tight she didn't remember me but it wasn't because of my physical appearance as I assumed it was, it was because I left her behind for a whole year and that was my biggest regret." Snake stared at Kaz with his soft eye and embraced him slowly. "I'm soo sorry Kazuhira, it must have been really hard for you to know that Cinthia didn't even recognize you anymore." Kaz nodded and smiled through his tears as he hugged him back.

"Everything is fine now me and Cinthia are inseparable and I have custody of her." "I can relate to you I send money to my boys all the time while I was away but it's different when you're not around when I came back they didn't even know who I was this is why I decided to retire and come back, they deserve a father I wanted a chance to at least have a normal life and raise my boys but I also came back for you I never stopped thinking about you Kaz and when I found out you weren't able to return to mother base through Ocelot I was devastated. I tried my all to get out so I can come back to you but that took two years and now you don't even remember what we had, I feel like it was my fault you've forgotten us." Kaz slowly touched his face and shook his head. "Theirs probably an explanation as to why this happened don't blame yourself." Kaz kisses his lips slowly as he rubs his fingers through his hair letting the band that was holding it go. The only thing going through Snake's mind was just to finally make love to Kaz again, to finally touch his body how he wanted to, to finally have that beautiful back arch for him once more like he had many years ago.

One foot slid off a waist and sunk into the water. Kaz stood with him embracing him, he wanted him badly he wanted to be apart of him like he said they once were. When he looked into Snake's eye he noticed how lustful he was. Kaz smiled lightly as he turned around slowly to watch the moonlight, leaning his head against Snake's chest. He wrapped his arms around him as they watched the moon silently together enjoying each other's last company....


	4. Every breath I take

Music filled Kaz's ears as his back gently touched the softness of the bed. He was dreaming again playing in a theater full of people as he bowed when he finished. Two legs, two arms, and two beautiful blue eyes. They clapped and cheered as they threw him roses he could see Snake in the crowed standing as he clapped Cinthia and the boys were there too and then he woke up. He sat and stretched his two limbs as he felt the breeze blow against his nude body it was oddly quiet today and he and Snake were supposed to leave yesterday, they ended up staying the night. What was stranger was that Snake wasn't in bed sleeping still especially during last night's activities he should be tired, but John is never really tired of anything. Kaz smiled to himself thinking of Snake although he didn't remember their past he was starting to feel a connection to him, a connection he never thought they ever had. He assumed he was making breakfast so he went over and took a shower, groomed himself, and got dressed. He went back into the bedroom it was chilly now and there was hardly any sun so he closed the window and headed downstairs. Upon his arrival he stared lightly into the kitchen, it was empty a surtían amount of fear-filled Kaz as he hurried up the stairs he quickly walked down the hall and into Snakes bedroom breathing heavily. His eyes widen. It was empty too. "D-did he go out for a walk?" Kaz collapsed on the floor. He was worried and scared just when he was starting to feel something it slips away. Did Snake gave up on him because he couldn't remember anything? Or did he suddenly got tired of him? He slowly crawled deeper into the room to find that it was completely empty all his belongings we're gone including his duffel bag. Kaz began to cry heavily he didn't know what to do or how long he's been gone he felt hopeless. He struggled to get up as he stumbled in the room noticing a note on the nightstand. He quickly took it as his tears streamed from his eyes landing on the paper.

_Kazuhira_

_By the time you are reading this I would hopefully had gone. I watched you slept the whole night for the very last time cradled into my arms. I kept the nightmares at bay and I held you till you felt safe. I can't stand the thought of leaving but I made up my mind I don't want to keep living this reality that you would someday remember me I didn't want to make you either, I wanted you to make your own choices and to think with your own thoughts, you are a free man, free to do whatever you want, and free from my commands. I love you, Kaz, I hope that one day I'll see you again as happy as you were before. Thank you for making the three last days paradise for me. Take care of yourself and live proudly._

_Jack_

kaz began to shudder as he tried to fight back his sobs. The only thing he could think of was just running even so he couldn't he just wanted to run. He walked quickly out the room and towards the stairs as he dropped the paper rushing until he tumbled down hitting the floor hard. He continued to fight until he was up on his feet again. Crutch in hand, he made his way towards the entrance and got his as he opened the door hurriedly seeing the rain pour from the sky. He breathed softly and looked over at his car rushing through the rain as he got in and drove all the way back to the port. He has seen jack about to board the boat; he got out the car rushing through the rain. Kaz yelled from his heart and slipped on the boardwalk; his clothes were beginning to soak as he cried through the rain. He couldn't run even if he wanted to. "Let's stay please! Let's stay here forever! Don't go please, Snakeeeee!" He cried silently on the ground hopelessly laying there. If only he could run, he thought. "Let's stay then..." His voice was right near him... he lifted his head slowly to see the boat already sailing away through the rain but It wasn't real... he was long gone...


	5. When you leave please say you'll return

Kaz sat overlooking the ocean. He was there for four days hoping that'll he'll get any signs from him... That he'll return back to Costa Rica, but he didn't, he never returned and Kaz thought he never would. He made up his mind like he said in the note as he held it in his hand, in healing the scent. Kaz slept in his bed every night for four days. He waited and waited hoping that this was all just a really bad dream... The bedroom still lingered of him. He cried, thinking that he was now used to the solitude, the past three days were paradise as John said, he was absolutely right, it was... 

June 3rd, 1985 

It had been three years since he last seen John... back in 1982 Kaz went back to Japan as promise to his parents. It was peaceful there and he enjoyed it, seeing his parents everyday and raising his daughter bought some type of elation to him but at night it was a different story for seven months straight. Kaz suffered from nightmares screaming in agonizing pain from the wars, the divorce, his lost limbs, and of course, loosing Snake. His mother would rush into his bedroom, comforting and holding him through the night just as Snake did till he would fall asleep in her arms. Suffering with nightmares every other day, raising his daughter and helping his parents with their shop was enough to keep him busy even talking to ocelot from time to time. They weren't really close and they also hesitated to call each other friends sometimes but they did acknowledge that they kind of had a mutual respect for each other just through the connection with working with The Boss. 

"Oh Kaz, how are you?"

"Better..." He lied. 

"That's good, have you heard from John?"

"No, I haven't..."

"I think... you just have to forget... It's the only way Kaz... I say this not as a friend but an ally, sometimes that's just what's best. You could never get too close to that man, not even he as a Phantom..." 

Kaz sat quietly on the phone trying to understand what Adam meant by (he as a phantom) or the whole statement in it's self. He sometimes questioned his way of speaking. He spoke in like, codes, he never deliberately gave his answers and it was always up to the person who was communicating with him to figure it out. Things never really got better after that, It got worse before it got better. After a year in Japan, Kaz decided to finally move, he didn't know where he wanted to go at the time but when he deeply thought of it their was only one place he ever wanted to be in the whole world. The owner of the beach house had passed away recently the house was given to his oldest daughter then it was bought by Kaz, making him the the new owner. Kaz took the room that was always Snake's and Cinthia his. It was beautiful there she got the chance to wake up every morning to see the ocean when she wanted to, she went to school, made new friends, and she would even pick up the telephone to call her grandparents on her own once she learned to use one. 

"Hey, kiddo..." Kaz said to his daughter as they sat on the beach. 

"Hey pop." She said with a smile on her face, she was six years old now. 

She was a happy child enough to bring joy to anyone who was around her. She was mature for her age watching over her father whenever he was sick or suffered from nightmares just as her grandmother did when she would wake up from the horrible screams her father made in the middle of the night. 

"How about some mid-day snacks yeah? what do you wanna eat?"

that was an easy answer. 

"Burgers!" she shouted in delight. 

"Alright kiddo you know what to do d-

"Don't go near the water till you're back, I know, I know Papa."

She was a smart kid. 

Kaz rubbed her hair roughly while they laughed and he rose from the sand as he walked up the small hill with his prosthetic leg. He reached the house only to find that it was open, knowing that someone was in there he steadily walked in carefully reaching his gun that was safely hiding in a secret compartment of the house. Kaz slowly creeped into the kitchen to see a man standing in front of his fridge the door wide open helping himself to a glass of orange juice. He had his back turned to him and he didn't notice that someone was behind him holding a gun to his head. Kaz slowly lowered it when he noticed who the man was. 

"S-snake...?" 

"Kept you waiting, huh?" He said as he turned around with a light smile on his face.


End file.
